I'm a mess right now.
I'm tired- physically, emotionally, and spiritually- after an intense year of pouring out to and loving on broken people. I'm easily overwhelmed, and I don't feel like myself. It takes a lot of mental energy to carry on a meaningful conversation. I sleep a lot; I don't have a steady job right now.
I don't like admitting any of this because I feel weak. I think that maybe if I had relied more heavily on God then I wouldn't be so exhausted after this year. Or that maybe if I was a stronger person then somehow I would be able to jump right back into normal life again.
Oh, but sweet Jesus.
I lay on the floor for hours listening to worship music because digging into the Word requires more effort than I have right now, and what I'm feeling is far too confusing and deep to sort through and journal about. And as the carpet smashes its imprints into my face and I try to focus on His beautiful Presence, He speaks peace to my soul. He brings clarity to my scrambled thoughts and releases me from the striving that is trying to creep back into my heart. He tells me that He loves that I'm a wreck, because when I'm real and raw, I can display His heart the best. He says it's okay if worship music makes me lay down and rest instead of dance. He tells me that sometimes obedience to Him means that I say no to people or events because I need time or space to be recharged. He reveals that it's not resting if I'm trying it, it's resting if I let Him do it in me.
Today I'm so grateful for a gracious Jesus who lets me be weak and tired and even celebrates me in the mess.
I'm tired- physically, emotionally, and spiritually- after an intense year of pouring out to and loving on broken people. I'm easily overwhelmed, and I don't feel like myself. It takes a lot of mental energy to carry on a meaningful conversation. I sleep a lot; I don't have a steady job right now.
I don't like admitting any of this because I feel weak. I think that maybe if I had relied more heavily on God then I wouldn't be so exhausted after this year. Or that maybe if I was a stronger person then somehow I would be able to jump right back into normal life again.
Oh, but sweet Jesus.
I lay on the floor for hours listening to worship music because digging into the Word requires more effort than I have right now, and what I'm feeling is far too confusing and deep to sort through and journal about. And as the carpet smashes its imprints into my face and I try to focus on His beautiful Presence, He speaks peace to my soul. He brings clarity to my scrambled thoughts and releases me from the striving that is trying to creep back into my heart. He tells me that He loves that I'm a wreck, because when I'm real and raw, I can display His heart the best. He says it's okay if worship music makes me lay down and rest instead of dance. He tells me that sometimes obedience to Him means that I say no to people or events because I need time or space to be recharged. He reveals that it's not resting if I'm trying it, it's resting if I let Him do it in me.
Today I'm so grateful for a gracious Jesus who lets me be weak and tired and even celebrates me in the mess.
thank you, Abby. I needed to read that. I love our sweet Jesus so much.
ReplyDeleteYes love this and get this !!! Jesus is amazing and loves us whether we feel weak or strong but somehow he loves our dependence on Him .. When we feel all messed up that's wheh he loves to show his strength and love !! You rock !!! Enjoy this season of resting it's preparation for an even greater season of fruitfulness !!!❤️
ReplyDeleteso good...
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! It's good to here where you are even though it isn't where you envisioned being after a year of intense ministry. You're awesome and God is especially thrilled with you and the journey you are on! Rest well and have a Merry Christmas!!!
ReplyDeleteAbigail (I love that name a lot, and I esp love the few memories we've had together) - Thank you so much for being honest on your blog (it's an incredible testimony), with yourself and with Jesus. He has you on an incredible and inspiring journey, and this is part of it. May God reveal a different part of Himself to you - His strength, compassion, or a totally new part of who He is for His child, Abigail - as you allow yourself to rest. He promises to bring rest for the weary. Thank you for touching so many lives through Jesus. Your testimony blesses me.
ReplyDelete