My alabaster heart.

I have an alabaster jar from Egypt.

To me it's a symbol of surrender; Mary Magdalene- a forgiven and very loved sinner- breaking her jar of perfume and anointing Jesus, offering her life.

I accidentally broke my jar a year ago, as I yanked my suitcase out of the car when I got home. Alabaster breaks into lots of pieces, but they fit perfectly back together.  So I glued, and God spoke to me about the redemption of pain and brokenness.  And now the candle inside the jar shines out brighter through the cracks and scars.

Yesterday my sister was rearranging the furniture in my room, and the alabaster jar broke again.

I was mad; I cried.  Yeah, it's just a hunk of rock- but it symbolizes my brokenness, my redemption.  It symbolizes me.

"Why did You let it break again?" I ask Him, angry.

Because I'm going to break you again, baby.  And I'm going to cry- even as I allow it to happen.  I'm going to cry as I gently, gingerly, piece you back together again.  You were cracked and shattered before and My Light streams out of you through those cracks.  But I desire more.  I want even more cracks, even more Light.  Which means even more breaking.

And then Holy Spirit starts DJ-ing my Pandora station.
"Holiness is Christ in me."
"Greater is the One who's in us; stronger is the One who's for us."

And I realize that it's the light shining out of the alabaster that makes it so beautiful.  And it's Him inside me, shining out, that makes me anything at all.
So I say yes.  To the breaking.  To tears, pain, rejection.  To judgment and misunderstanding.  To the things the breaking involved last time.  I look through my photo album of Jamaica pictures and sob.  Remembering the pain; the sacred, holy breaking.  The stripping away of my flesh. And then remembering and rejoicing over the redemption-- where He beautifully glued me back together.  How Jamaican orphans now have an intercessor praying in the Spirit for them.  How I know a million more things about who He really is.  How I know pain.  How He's using my story.  How I now have a very real revelation of His love. How I can truly LIVE.

This time when I glued my jar back together, it took a long time.  And it's not as pretty as before- more jagged edges, more missing pieces.
But it's brighter, there's more Light.

And that's what I want too.  More of His light.  More of myself and my identity stripped away.  Till only He remains.  Less of my flesh getting in the way, more of His glory.

He's good and I trust Him.
Even in the coming pain.
And I want more of Him, no matter the cost.

Then as if to underscore His point, I got to see the finished mosaic I had made earlier this week... another picture of what God does with broken pieces.  

He's a good, good Daddy.